Loss...Scraptoberfest Part 4

Ok now this layout is very different for me- no picture. Yep different I know but if you read the journaling you will know why. I have been wanting to do this layout for a long time, it is very important to me. If you dont know , now you know that three of our five children are adopted and this layout is about some feelings that I did not know I would have. If you have gone through the adoption procees, or have children I am sure you can relate to some or all of this. I do scrap happy - but I feel that it is just as important to scrap all parts of our lives. I scrapped this for me, but also for my son - it is his legacy as well.

In case it's hard to read:

I remember it like it was yesterday.
We got our sweet baby boy at two months and when we took him in we knew it was a gamble. We wanted to adopt and he needed a home. The parental rights had not yet been terminated. For almost a year we waited hoping that we would not get a phone call that someone wanted him back. He was such a sweet baby, the only time he really cried was in his car seat- he hated being on his back.
Finally after a year of being in the foster care system we got a court date for termination of parental rights. You cannot adopt a child until a judge grants termination of the parental rights – which is a long tedious procedure.
On the court date we came early and I brought a camera in case bio mom showed up. I wanted her picture for my son, should he ever ask. At the same I hoped that she would not show up and try to fight this case. (If she did the judge could give her another shot at doing right by her child.) We had never been through this before and weren’t sure what to expect. We had been told that we would have to testify on how our son was doing and if anyone else came forward they too would be allowed to speak. I was so nervous and expected to feel relief when it was all over. Bio mom never came and I did not expect the feelings that came with that.
I felt a tremendous amount of grieving for my son. I felt anger too- how could she not fight for her son! This was a beautiful innocent baby with so much love and life, how could she not at least make a last desperate effort to get him back? I mean I was relieved that she didn’t come, and that her rights were terminated because then he was available for adoption but I was so devastated by her actions (or lack of actions)! I was appalled and so sad for my boy. I cried for his loss, it broke my heart and left me feeling despair and hope at the same time. Hope for a good future with our family, we love him so much and yet despair; even now there is heaviness in my heart when I think about this day.

It has been years and it still bothers me, makes me sad and angry - even sad for her, bio mom. He is amazing in all ways and such a blessing, we are fortunate to be a part of his life. God takes the mistakes we make and turns them into good things, even better than we could have imagined.

I created this with the "Loss" kit at Scrapbooking From the Inside Out. The letters here were actually raw chipboard letters that I altered by using Brilliance ink in brown and black and then spraying them with Moon Glow spray. I did the same thing with the frame adding Sunburst spray in red hot poker orange in addition to copper. The frame is not in the kit , it was just laying around in my scrapbook room and it seemed perect for the picture that never was- it was originally hot pink!
Don't forget to leave me a comment to enter my running contest for the month of October! ( details on the previous post!)

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